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Mrs Ironbladder


In Mrs Ironbladder’s class

there's one exacting rule —

you’re not allowed to leave

her lesson, ever.

You may find this ridiculous,

you may think that it’s cruel

but it’s no use playing games

and being clever.


If, for instance, you get bored

and say you need the loo

Mrs Ironbladder wields

her deadly power.

And even if you’re desperate

and what you say is true,

you’ll have to wait another

half an hour.


It doesn’t make a difference

if you beg, cajole and plead,

she’ll tell you viciously

that no means no.

You can ask her very nicely

but you frankly won’t succeed:

she simply will not ever

let you go.


So if you find that nature calls

in Ironbladder’s class,

make no mistake, she won’t

be very happy.

And since she’ll never let you have

a simple toilet pass,

make sure you come prepared

and wear a nappy.

(published in Welcome to My Crazy Life)

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